As a professional institution, Mediclinic Newcastle continues to drive medical excellence for our patients. However, in the spirit of a holistic form of treatment we practice at the private hospital, laughter, here is a linguistic wonderland where medical terms transform into a humorous tapestry of understanding.
In this satirical guide, we’ll unravel the mysteries behind some commonly used doctorspeak, bringing a smile to your face while shedding light on the intricate world of healthcare.
1. Flu (Medical Term: Influenza)
In doctorspeak: The microscopic ninja army invading your respiratory fortress. Symptoms may include body aches, fever, and the sudden urge to binge watch old sitcoms.
2. MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging)
In doctorspeak: The posh human scanner that turns your body into a high tech puzzle. Lie still and ponder life’s mysteries while the machine creates your inner selfie.
3. CT Scan (Computed Tomography Scan)
In doctorspeak: The medical version of a 3D printer, creating detailed cross sectional images of your insides. Warning: Not suitable for framing and giving as a gift to your mother-in-law.
4. Phlebotomist (Bloodsucker)
In doctorspeak: The vampire with a medical degree. They’ll politely ask for your blood and assure you it’s for a good cause.
5. Gastroenterologist (Stomach Whisperer)
In doctorspeak: The detective who explores the mysteries of your digestive tract. A gastroenterologist’s idea of small talk involves asking about your bowel habits.
6. Urologist (Plumbing Picasso)
In doctorspeak: The virtuoso who turns the intricacies of the urinary system into a masterpiece. A urologist’s canvas includes kidneys, bladders, and other plumbing wonders, creating symphonies of health and flushing out issues with artistic precision.
7. Hypochondriac (Health Drama Enthusiast)
In doctorspeak: The Olympic gold medallist in self diagnosis. Hypochondriacs have mastered the art of turning a simple sniffle into a rare tropical disease.
8. Neurologist (Brain musician)
In doctorspeak: The maestro who deciphers the notes of your nervous system. A neurologist is the brain musician translating the mysterious language of neurons into chart topping hits. They’re the conductors of your cognitive orchestra, ensuring that your brain’s performance is always in tune.
9. Sphygmomanometer (Blood Pressure Cuff)
In doctorspeak: The friendly boa constrictor that hugs your arm while secretly measuring your stress levels.
10. Orthopaedic Surgeon (Bone Sculptor)
In doctorspeak: The Michelangelo of the medical world, specialising in fixing your body’s architectural mishaps. They believe in bones with good feng shui.
11. Infection (Microscopic Party Crashers)
In doctorspeak: When the body becomes the venue for an unwanted microbial rave. Antibiotics are the bouncers kicking out these gate crashers.
12. Colonoscopy (A look into your past)
In doctorspeak: The scenic tour of your lower realms. You’ll get a front row seat to the inner workings of your digestive system, starring your colon as the guest of honour.
13. General Practitioner (Medical Jack of All Trades)
In doctorspeak: The MacGyver of medicine, equipped with a stethoscope and an encyclopaedia sized brain. They’re your first line of defence against health mysteries and mayhem.
14. ER – Emergency Room (The battlefield)
In doctorspeak: The medical battlefield where doctors and nurses suit up to perform life saving heroics while simultaneously navigating the chaos of the human drama series called life.
15. Patient Compliance while being diagnosed (Following Doctor’s Orders, kind of)
In doctorspeak: The art of nodding and smiling while silently vowing to Google alternative treatments as soon as you leave the office.
16. ENT Specialist (Sensory Savant)
In doctorspeak: The wizard of the senses, expertly navigating the dark sinuses realm of ear, nose, and throat. An ENT specialist is your go to guide for ensuring that your auditory and olfactory experiences are a delightful duet, not a cacophony of snot and sound.
17. Anaesthetist (Slumber Serenade Specialist)
In doctorspeak: The expert navigator of the dream realm, orchestrating a serene lullaby when surgery takes the stage. An anaesthetist is your Slumber Serenade Specialist, ensuring that the transition from wakefulness to the sweet embrace of unconsciousness is a tranquil journey.
18. Nurse (Guardian of Groans and Giggles)
In doctorspeak: The unsung hero in the kaleidoscope of care, adept at turning groans into giggles. These powerful souls are armed with compassion and a stash of humour, ensuring that your journey through the medical maze is not just bearable but delightful.
19. Hospital Manager (Architect of Organised Chaos)
In doctorspeak: The mastermind who orchestrates the ballet of wards, paperwork and administration. A hospital manager is the puppet master, turning the complex dance of healthcare administration into a well choreographed performance.
20. General Surgeon (Body Mechanic)
In doctorspeak: The repair person tackling the body’s hiccups with a toolbox of medical marvels. A general surgeon is your Body Mechanic, fine tuning the human engine with precision and expertise, making sure everything runs smoothly.
21. Physician (Wellness Navigator)
In doctorspeak: The skilled navigator on the sea of health, charting courses through symptoms and guiding towards the shores of well-being. A physician is your Wellness Navigator, steering through the waves of illness with expertise, ensuring you reach the harbour of good health.
22. Psychiatrist (Thought Sculptor)
In doctorspeak: The artist who sculpts the landscapes of the mind, chiselling away at distress and shaping tranquillity. The Thought Sculptor crafts mental contours and shapes emotional horizons, working towards helping you enjoy an inner gallery of harmony and not a house of horrors.
23. Paediatrician (Joyful Growth Guru)
In doctorspeak: The expert in the art of nurturing tiny tots into terrific teens. A paediatrician is your Joyful Growth Guru, weaving health and happiness into the story of every childhood, ensuring that each chapter is filled with joy, growth, and a sprinkle of magic.
24. Ophthalmologist (Eyescape Artisan)
In doctorspeak: The artisan crafting picturesque vistas for your eyes. An ophthalmologist is your Eyescape Artisan, meticulously creating landscapes of clarity and focus, ensuring your visual journey is not a blurry adventure.
Remember, this satirical guide is crafted for amusement and should not replace professional medical advice or terms. We hope it adds a touch of laughter to your life while humanising the phenomenal medical world—a sector dedicated to not only your health but your quality of life.
Concluding, Mediclinic Newcastle’s Hospital Manager, Japie Greyling had the following to say, “I would like to thank all doctors, hospital staff, the board of directors and shareholders for all your hard work and dedication over the past year. Last but most certainly not least, thank you to our awesome patients for your support and continued trust in our medical expertise. I wish you all a memorable and safe festive season.”
Be sure to leave your thoughts on the above and messages in the comment section below
Comments 1
The Mediclinic article was excellent also I would like to wish all our doctors and staff a wonderful festive season God bless everyone of you and thankyou